Conflict is Good. Healthy Even.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how we all seem to have two aspects of our selves, both conflicting very much to one another. If one says something, the other likes to contradict with that. It may not seem so obvious when looked at on the surface, but sooner or later we have to give in to the idea of contradiction. If there's one thing for certain that's uncertainty. It's the very nature of human being to keep contradicting with oneself. We must have watched in television a character that imagines himself/herself as the devil and the angel at the same time, the devil trying to bring out the evil in you and the angel doing quite the opposite. It's not always the devil/angel though that keeps certainty at bay. Sometimes you feel as if you live two different lives. You are awed by the difference. Like I was, yesterday. I was walking the streets of Jamal and there seemed to be a commotion of sorts at the junction. There were people abound, may be a serious argument was going on. Music was flaring up in my ears. I didn't even glance at the scene, didn't want to know what was happening there. I just didn't get the urge to know what was wrong there. Instead, I increased the volume and let the song play over the voices. I thought, ooh I'm one helluva island-sort-of-person. I wouldn't care if someone broke someone's nose. Hell, I wouldn't give a damn about the next rally that went right past me carrying all sorts of political slogans. Normally I like to keep things to myself and prefer it if other people did the same. If you have watched the movie "Ghost town", well, I'm not exactly like Mr. Pincus but I incline more toward him than I'd like, at least that's how I feel. Forgive me if I'm not a jackass enough to express my bitterness towards you.

Where was I? Oh, I was at Jamal. And now I'm walking to Ason. There I see a very old man, a foreigner who was just walking about, looking at the houses around with a look of wonder in his face. His face was withered but it was hard to miss that look.  I couldn't help but look at him all the time. Even when he passed by, I just stopped, let him pass and looked on as if he had some sort of hook of charm on me. I've always wanted to travel. I wouldn't care where, just travel. Not much of a TV freak in childhood, if I ever watched TV, I'd watch either cartoons or Hindi movies.  We had a fetish for Hindi songs…oh those silly Antakshiri games we used to play. We spent our childhood watching and learning Hindi songs devotedly, but never did we watch Travel channels. It was only in our late teens that we got into watching those stuffs and right after that that I started nurturing my world tour dream. It wasn't so much of a grand plan but there was a dream, that I'd travel, see new and strange places, that I'd be there standing below the Eiffel Tower, riding camels in the Egyptian deserts, doing Samba in the Brazilian Carnaval, hiking up the mountain to Machu Pichhu (that's pretty much new). And seeing that old tourist, I couldn't help but wonder when I'd be able to do that, you know, just take a chance and go to a foreign land, explore. It was so much in contrast with what I was doing earlier. Ignoring and imploring…two completely opposite things to do one after another.

When I do what I do best; that is ignore, all I'm trying to do is just be at bay, putting as less impact as I can on other people's lives. I've never wanted to be at the center stage, have never desired attention. Hell, I don't like to speak up even in a group of ten people. It's not that I don't care, I don't want to care. Other people is other people. That's that. And about peeking in to their lives, guessing about them, well, it's an old hobby. When I don't have anything to do and there's no one I can talk to, if I can, I go to a high place where I can do people-seeing. I'd like to be as invisible as is possible when I do this. Naturally, if I'd freak out when I knew I was being watched, that'd freak out any normal person. I like to be in the shadow and look at the scores of people that walk by. Basantapur is a nice place. So many people walk by and they have their own lives to take care of. The vast amount of people and all that emotions and dreams is overwhelming. The best part is the assumption-making one. You pick one person out of the crowd and try to make out what might be his/her age, where s/he might be headed to, what sort of emotions what s/he might be going through….that stuff. It's not a Sherlock Holmes job but who wants the expert opinion anyways. I find it pretty refreshing. But as it is, I don't do it very often. The regularity would just kill the fun.

I've wondered why it is that we have so conflicting selves. I believe it's for the best. If we were the same all the time and always so indomitable about what we had to say and what we felt, then life wouldn't be so animated. Conflict is good. Healthy even. I'm not promoting conflict but just saying that it is a normal phenomenon and we should enjoy it and take it in a positive manner rather than trying to oppress it.