Mandatory New Year Journal

Today is the last day of the year and Dear God, I'm scared.

We are so used to relating everything in the Gregorian calendar year that I'm not even sure what to say about how my Nepali year has been. All I know is that these last days have been tougher than what I thought I had been equipped to handle. And I wouldn't even have noticed the year ending if it hadn't been for the conversation with my mum I had the other day.

Me: Mum, I think my graha dasha isn't good right now. (graha dasha is something related to your stars, horoscopes and all; well, graha is technically a planet but you get what I mean)

Mum: It's ok. The year is ending now. The new year is going to bring in good tides.

I know it makes absolutely no sense but desperate times, desperate measures - I decided to trust my mum's words. Now, this conversation took place 4 days ago. At that time, I had checked the Nepalese calendar and thought, alright, 5 days to go - I can hang on that long. These past 4 days have been disastrous. And looking at the rate of how things have been deteriorating, the last day of the year should be the worst, isn't it?

And if I do survive the last day, then what? Is the new year really going to turn some real pages? Is there a magic fairy that is going to wave her magic wand and make everything better like my mum promised me? What if there isn't?

The difference between Nepali New Year and non-Nepali New Year, I suppose is that, in the non-Nepali one, we strive to work on our flaws and start over with resolutions to change bad habits. And in Nepali New Year, we expect for the year to do that for us. Well, not the bad habits and everything but bad fortune. Like a year is a person and s/he has the power to do that. Beliefs and everything aside, may be a change of a year can do that. But there's a catch - you have to lend a helping hand to the year.

It's true my year's ending in the most rotten way possible but how the new year is going to go is somehow in my hands. Some events, I agree, are entirely out of my hands and they can go as bad as they can go but not letting them make me want to give up is still in my hands. Take those lemons that life gives you and make every one of the delicious recipes that lemons can make.

I'm going to let my mum's words be the saving grace in my tumultuous life and let them warm me. Not so that I can let my fate be decided while I wait for judgement but because sometimes one needs to rest and brace themselves for the leap they may have to take, changes they may have to make and for the chances they sure are going to have to take.

Still, I am scared for today.