A happiness journal

I remember a time when I was in my late teens; I had a huge crush on this guy. And as things turned out so did this other girl from my class. Even then, I knew that my crush had just been nothing but childish. I didn’t really want the guy to be my boyfriend or anything. And neither, I recall, did this other girl. It was a battle for attention. I didn’t want this girl to be my enemy. There were no cat-fights, no discord; just a private psychological war. A small tug here, a little push there and copious amount of joy at tiniest victories - [he flirted back, he smiled at the hallway, he gave a ride in his bike]

I remember a time when I felt enough was enough. It was beginning to be a little too much. Our childish games were lengthening for no good. I was tired of disliking this girl for liking something I liked but didn’t really want. I remember wondering if it was possible for everyone to be happy. Could we all walk away with something and that something not being disappointment and hatred for the other person?

I remember a time when I used to believe in miracles. I used to be a day dreamer. I wasn’t greedy in my want for miracles. God knows I lacked in many things. I used to wonder if God were to appear one day and ask me what I would want to improve about my body, what I would ask for. Better hair? More height? Flat belly? No gap between my teeth? Clear speech? More confidence? Even in fantasy, I knew I could only ask for one thing only. I used to agonize over what was best for me.

Then came a time when I thought happiness would be the answer. But happiness for all? How would it be possible for everyone to have their wants and desires fulfilled? I knew for one thing - desire for happiness clashed among many people. For me to be happy, someone would have to pay the price, and that wasn’t what I had in my mind. I’m not a mean person and I don’t want people to be hurt, at least not because of me.

A long time has passed since that crush. That girl has moved on. She is married, has a child and is happy, but not before she had a share of heartbreak (with someone else). I have moved on, and I also had a couple of big shakedowns (also with some people else). I have found happiness in a form of independence and the places I have traveled to. The guy is married now and hopefully is happy. We have come a long way. It turns out; everyone finds their happiness, one way or the other. Some people have to wait longer than others. Some people have to go through worse than others. Most people find happiness in a form they hadn’t thought of, in people they hadn’t dreamed about and at times they weren’t expecting to. But they do. They just have to keep their heads up, their eyes and hearts open.